The conversations we never got to have..

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Dear Nanna,

Eleven years.

People say time heals, but I don't think it works that way. I think time simply teaches us how to carry the missing without letting it stop us from living.

I'm not crying while writing this.
I'm not broken.
But I don't think I've ever stopped longing for you.

I still wonder what your voice sounded like. I wish I had just one voice note to play on difficult days. I wish I knew what your hugs felt like well enough to remember them forever. Sometimes I wear your cap, not because it's just a cap, but because it's one of the few things that still feels like it belongs to you. I keep it safe. I always will.

You know, Nanna... I was a child, but I don't think I ever really got to be one.

Somewhere along the way, life quietly asked me to grow up before I understood what growing up meant.

For the longest time, I thought being mature was something to be proud of. Maybe it still is. But lately, it feels lonely.

I don't quite fit in with people my age. Sometimes I feel too old for them. Yet when I'm with people older than me, I still feel like the youngest one in the room. It's a strange place to exist, always belonging a little, but never completely.

I don't know if that's a blessing or a burden.
Maybe both.

I've always loved people with my whole heart. I've stayed, forgiven, understood, and made room for them, even when it hurt. And maybe that's why it stings sometimes, not because I expect grand gestures, but because every now and then, I wish someone would choose to stay for me the way I stay for them.
Maybe that's an expectation too. I don't know anymore.

I try not to blame anyone.

Somehow, I always end up understanding why people are the way they are.

Sometimes I wish I didn't.

Maybe life would've been lighter if I knew a little less and felt a little less.

But then I think of you.

And I wonder if this heart of mine came from yours.

If loving people so deeply is something you unknowingly left behind in me.

If that's true...

Then maybe I wouldn't change it after all.

I miss you every day, Nanna.
Not loudly.
Just in the quiet ways that never leave.

I hope, wherever you are, you still recognize your little girl.

She's still trying.

Still loving.

Still choosing softness in a world that doesn't always know what to do with it.

Still becoming.

And still looking for you in every beautiful sky.

I love you forever, Nanna.

I always will.

Your Dolly. 🤍

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