Oceans and graveyards

Dear Nanna, Eleven years. People say time heals, but I don't think it works that way. I think time simply teaches us how to carry the missing without letting it stop us from living. I'm not crying while writing this. I'm not broken. But I don't think I've ever stopped longing for you. I still wonder what your voice sounded like. I wish I had just one voice note to play on difficult days. I wish I knew what your hugs felt like well enough to remember them forever. Sometimes I wear your cap, not because it's just a cap, but because it's one of the few things that still feels like it belongs to you. I keep it safe. I always will. You know, Nanna... I was a child, but I don't think I ever really got to be one. Somewhere along the way, life quietly asked me to grow up before I understood what growing up meant. For the longest time, I thought being mature was something to be proud of. Maybe it still is. But lately, it feels lonely. I don't quit...

I don’t usually post my amma on mother’s day. Not because i love her any less, but because loving her has never felt like something that belongs to just one day. She’s a part of my everyday life so naturally that sometimes i forget people don’t know how much of me exists because of her. My amma loves in the quietest ways. In cut fruits beside me while i’m studying, in asking if i ate even when she’s tired herself, in staying awake until i am done studying late night, in remembering the smallest things i mention once and forget later. She has spent years turning sacrifice into routine and love into something so gentle that you almost miss how much of herself she gives away every single day. And i think that’s what gets me sometimes. How daughters grow up assuming their mothers will always be there, always understand, always forgive. There were days i spoke carelessly because i was overwhelmed, days i stayed distant without realizing she was waiting for just a few minutes of my time. But...

Why do I always feel like I’m waiting?  Like the sky has paused mid-sigh,  And time, has forgotten to include me in its forward march. I stand beneath clocks that tick for someone else, watching people depart with lives that fit them better than I fit this moment. Like I’ve arrived at the station five minutes too late,  And the train I was meant to take never even stopped, not for me. I held a ticket in my hand, creased from too much hope, warmed by palms that prayed for just one sign. One slow whistle. One lingering glance. But life has a habit of being cruelly efficient, it doesn’t wait for the girl who reads too deeply into silences, who builds cathedrals out of maybe. So I sit, legs curled under stories, writing poems on empty platforms, watching sunrises arrive on tracks that never welcomed my name.  And still, I wait. Because somewhere, in a parallel breath, the train stopped.  I just didn’t run fast enough.

Dear Nanna, 10 years. It’s strange to even write that number. A full decade has passed since you left this world, and yet, every beat of my heart still echoes your name. Back in 2021, I wrote to you after six years of losing you. I wrote as a daughter who was hurting, breaking, and still learning to breathe in your absence. Today, I write to you as a daughter who has survived—carrying your love, your voice, your lessons, and your silence in everything I do. So much has changed, Nanna… and yet, nothing has. I still miss you the same. I still cry in silence sometimes—never in front of people. I still search for pieces of you in the sky, in old books, in the smell of a library, in the rhythm of a yoga breath, in the corners of memories that refuse to fade. But now… I also smile more genuinely when I remember you. Because I’ve realized, you’re not just in my memories—you live through me. When I hold a pen, when I sketch on a bad day, when I speak kindly even when I’m hurting, when I tr...

  11th May, 03:09 AM The world is quiet but my mind, as always is loud. Exhale, inhale. We exist, we breathe, we live. But tonight, existing feels heavier than usual. While my hands search for words, my eyes betray me, spilling what my heart can no longer hold.  Not because I miss anything.  Not because I’m sad.. but because I’ve been broken for so long that even the idea of healing feels like a stranger.  I don’t know where to begin, and that scares me.  But deep down, I know, if this heart is ever going to come back together, it’ll have to be my hands that do it. And I've felt so much... that I’ve started to feel nothing at all.  It’s like watching yourself fade in a room full of noise Despite everything I’ve done, I keep trying without giving up, without letting go... And yet, I always end up walking the path alone. That’s when I remind myself, "The sun is alone too, but it still shines." I know. I know. And still, I can’t help but feel blue, because ...

Dearest Amma, As I sit here under the soothing glow of the moon, my heart is filled with so many emotions, all of which remind me of the wonderful journey we've cherished together. You have been my sun, my guiding star, and the solid foundation on which I established my dreams. Your love is like a masterpiece, created with sacrifice, strength, and a devotion that knows no limits. It has carried me through life’s storms and lit up my darkest moments with hope. I’ve seen the quiet battles you’ve fought, the sleepless nights you’ve endured, and the endless effort you’ve poured into creating a brighter future for me. Even when you chose not to talk about your struggles, they quietly became the backbone of our family’s strength and pride. Mom, you are the strongest person I know, wrapped in the kindest and most selfless love. As a single mother, you’ve shown me what true resilience looks like and how beautiful courage can be. Even when the world seemed doubtful, your heart spoke loud...

Dear Takarachan, I hope this letter finds you well and brings a smile to your face, just like the ones you effortlessly bring to mine. I've been reflecting on our friendship lately, and I felt compelled to put my thoughts into words, to truly express how much our bond means to me. As I sit down to write this letter, a wave of nostalgia washes over me, carrying with it a mix of emotions that are hard to put into words. It's been three incredible years of friendship, laughter, and shared experiences, and as our college journey nears its end, I find myself reflecting on the moments that have defined our bond. I still remember the first day we met, how our conversation flowed effortlessly, and how quickly we became inseparable. It's absolutely lovely to talk to you. I find myself looking forward to our conversations, whether they're about the mundane or the profound. I love how we can discuss anything and everything under the sun. It's a connection that I ch...

Your eyes are beautiful, Nothing I've ever seen before. Your smile is fantastic, It sends shivers down my spine. Your words are lovely, And they bring me to my knees. Everything about you is incredible, But mysterious. You appeared out of nowhere, Like magic, exactly like magic. I'm not even sure when we'll talk, But I don't mind. I think I'll be fine, As long as I have your heart. - Bhargavi aka Dolly//enchanted by your smile (Third part of the series   "the unrequited love." )