An open letter to my late father

Dear Nanna,

It's been 6 years since you left me and this universe. There are no words to describe my immense love for you. Every day without you has been hard, but on this day especially, I can't help but think how much I wish you were here with me.

You were the glided light in my world full of darkness.

In your presence, I was happy.

I'm happy even in your absence but I'm no more that happy little kid who used to smile from bottom of her heart.

Though I smile 24/7 for no reason, but no more from bottom of my heart.

I'm tired and hurt,

I cried, I cried until my tears stopped.

I tried to kill myself not physically but mentally.

I tried to forget you but unfortunately you become the one who's always on my mind.

I think about you and miss you through each day that passes. Some days are really difficult and I'm overwhelmed with sadness. Other days are good, and I think about all of our beautiful memories.

I miss going out with you.

Just you and me, roaming here and there. 

I miss our fights, those funny fights and especially those pillow fights.

I miss calling you by giving so-called funny nicknames.

I miss making fun of mom with you.

I miss teasing mom along with you.

I miss going to temples with you.

I miss those evenings I've spent with you on terrace. Just you and me. 

I miss doing yoga with you.

I miss going to libraries with you.

I miss falling asleep every night while listening to the stories you narrate.

I miss telling stories to you, my imaginary stories.
I miss making greetings on your birthday just to make you smile.

I miss your smile, that million dollar smile.

I miss your voice, your voice is the only one which can make me smile no matter in what mood I might be, your soothing voice make my heart skip a beat and whatnot it used to give me immense of happiness.

If I keep writing the things I miss, then dad, I can write pages.

I miss you and everything about you, Dad!

Whenever I miss you and can't control myself anymore, I let it out.

I cry.

Icry until I've got no tears left to cry.

But I cry, only when I'm alone.

And I make sure that I don't cry infront of anyone, even if I can't hold back my tears.

'Cause, no human can understand the pain I'm in. 

People tell me to move on, but if only it's that easy and if only they know what exactly it feels like.

There are days when I ask myself that "How can I miss him when I didn't even forget him.

Well, he's always with me though, isn't it?"

"He has a special place in my heart, forever." - my heart says.

I remember evey moment I spent with you. 

I might be a kid back then,

But dad, you know what,

I really got a good memory.

I remember evey little thing from childhood as well, like almost everything.

I remember when I was little kid

I used to fall asleep on terrace while counting stars

every night by having you beside me.

I remember, those evenings, I used to go on terrace and I used to sing along with you.

And sometimes, I used to secretly record while you sing.

I still regret the day, when I formatted that SD card unknowingly back in between 2010-12, which contains all your voice notes and our photos. 

I really feel bad and sad for not having a proper picture with you together. I wish at least, I could've one picture is together in it, but sadly, I've got none.

Moreover, I wish I could hug you.

Maybe, one last time.

Maybe, we could have a goodbye.

Cause the fact that this unsaid goodbye hurts me even more than anything else.

I'll never forget the day, when I was in 6th grade and I've left a 8 mark question unanswered in English exam even after knowing what to write and I got scolded by you. Though, it's really rare that you used to scold me but now I miss the way you scolded me. If I get a chance to get scoldings from you, then I'mma leave every question unanswered, so that I can get scolded by you. But I know that's never going to happen, and that kinda aches my heart to make myself understand that you really aren't here anymore with me and you really left.

Every night, I never slept until you narrate a story and the struggles you had to stay awake, just to make me fall asleep.

And now, I miss your stories and the way you used to narrate them.

Moreover, you're the one who introduced me to novels, and now I can't stop myself from reading them and falling in love with books.

You're the one who introduced me to sketching, whenever I feel low, I sketch and think about you and your artistic drawings.

You're the one who introduced me to sports, now sports has become one of my dose of survival.

You're the one who introduced me to writing, now I bleed my emotions and feelings on a paper and one day I'm going to make you feel proud, for sure!

You're the one who taught me how to stay patience and calm even when I shouldn't.

Was so lucky to have a multi talented person as my dad. Whenever I feel low and feel like giving up every damn thing, you and mom are the only people who comes in my mind and in the second thought I change my mind and tries my best.

I wished for you to come back,
I wished for love of my life to come back,
Yes, it's you dad.
You're the love of my life.
Little did I knew,
You're gone and you ain't coming back,
That you're gone forever.

Though I miss you but I'm not sad that you aren't here anymore. 

'Cause dad, in this world there are people who doesn't have parents and doesn't even know how dad's love is like. And there are people who doesn't know how mother's care is like. I'm so happy and lucky that I had you as father at least and I know what father's love is like and I'm glad to have mommy with me.

I promise that, no matter what, will never give up!

Also, I promise that I'll always try my best to keep mommy happy and safe.

I might not be the best daughter, but I know, I'll always be your best one in your point of view.

Wherever you are and from wherever you're watchin me, I will let the world know who's daughter I am, than letting them know just my name.

I'll make you proud, one day, for sure!

I used to make greetings for you on your birthdays before, but now I've decided to write letters to you.

I love you and I miss you so much Nanna!

Love,
Your daughter,

Bhargavi aka Dolly!